My gosh, have I been having some DEEP conversations lately. I don’t know if the wine nights or hot summer days spark something inside of me that make me question everything, but I. am. questioning. everything. Most of the recent convos have been surrounding trauma, shame, regret, spirituality, and forgiveness.
It seems like each of my friends have something in their life that they are currently dealing with that is a BIG deal. I just keeping thinking….when did our lives become so damn complicated? It’s like you hit your mid twenties and realize that this life is fricken crazy, it is nothing like you thought it would be, and literally not one person has it figured out. On the flip side, how nice is it that I have a group of friends who aren’t afraid to dive into the deep stuff, like the REAL deep stuff! Find yourself a group like that!
I’ve been feeling out of sorts lately. Just not 100%. It seems like I always struggle in the summers and I think it has to do with a lack of structure. I need structure, but hate it at the same time. I also have realized that life was so busy these last couple years with the start of an amazing relationship, opening a dance studio, moving, and everything in between that I kind of put my past in a little box and stuffed it in the basement, so it wouldn’t come out again. Well…you guessed it…the box apparently wasn’t sturdy enough, because BOOM I feel myself re-living and dissecting trauma all over again. Have I not worked through it enough or at all? Am I “over it?” Will my mental health be a life-long battle?
Some of you may be wondering…wait, what trauma? Am I missing something here? In another blog post in the near future I will be sharing more of my story that most don’t know, because truthfully I didn’t know it was trauma or wrong until recently. I was sexually abused multiple times in college by a handful of men. For many years, like 6 years, I thought it was my fault. After all, I was drunk and promiscuous right? I put myself into those situations. I brought myself to those parties. I drank way too much and way to often. I didn’t respect myself. I literally did NOT care what happened to me. I gave men what they wanted, because at that point I was a hollow shell of a human being. Within that time my abusive ex entered the picture and most of you know how that ended up. More trauma.
I thought I had hidden that away, and most people in my “new” life don’t see that old person at all. I almost feel guilty for being able to start over and within the last week, I discovered that I don’t think I’ve forgiven her. I don’t think I’ve let her heal. I discovered that there’s a small piece of me that I still believe is used trash. I don’t know if I view myself the way others do. I’ve covered up, and carried on. That apparently only works for so long, and then BOOM it’s like my brain gets hijacked and the old me creeps in, nudges me, and says, “you still don’t respect yourself. Why don’t you just drink your trauma and pain away…that’s easier. Why don’t you go ahead and make some more mistakes, just because it feels good.”
I decided that I will not self-sabotage and I will not minimize or hide my trauma anymore. I will deal with it and get the help I need. I’ve decided to seek out some counseling and the reason I’m writing this is because this shouldn’t be “shocking” or “taboo!” This is normal! Therapy is normal, or should be! Kyle, bless his heart, said, “I didn’t know it was THIS bad.” He was super concerned when I opened up to him, and I told him it isn’t THAT bad, but it shouldn’t have to get to that point. I’ve noticed some behaviors within myself that make me think I need to talk to somebody about the things I’ve been through. Simple as that. There should be no shame there and it shouldn’t have to get BAD before someone reaches out and says, “Yeah, I need a little help.”
I also am starting a life completely away from my family, and this is a whole other blog topic in and of itself, but this is fricken hard you guys! I already feel like I’m floundering through life at times, just trying to manage it all, attempting to be an adult in this world. On top of that, I don’t have my family. It brings tears to my eyes even mentioning them and so I just don’t think about it. I stuff that down too. I would love to chat with a professional about ways to cope with that!
Ultimately, I want to be the best wife and mother that I possibly can be, and I believe that if I start or continue on the journey of healing I will be a lot better off for myself and for my future family. I am thankful for the support of my family, my friends, and my love. Sometimes we might need just a little more than that, and that is okay!
I challenge you all to open your hearts to healing. I don’t know what that looks like for you and may not be counseling, but being a little more transparent and authentic with how we are actually feeling can make a huge difference. Let’s be the generation that doesn’t stuff it down!